Like It or Not

Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life. ~Eckhart Tolle

The hardest part of this for many of us is “accept it as if you had chosen it.” Why should I do that if we’re talking about racism? About feeling my religion is under attack? About children in cages? Why would I ever choose that? Well, clearly you wouldn’t. That’s not the point. The point is this: how do you address situations that you HAVE chosen? You learn about it, you throw yourself into it, you make it work, you make it even better.

What if that were your approach to a situation you didn’t choose? You’d throw yourself into addressing it - which would entail learning about it - which would entail being open to information and points of view you don’t yet hold. It would not be just reaction. When a whitewater kayaker gets stuck in water conditions they didn’t expect, didn’t want, and can’t get away from, they follow the rule of the river: “if you can’t get out of it, get into it.” They assess what the water is actually doing and paddle WITH that condition until they get enough control of their kayak to paddle out of it. If you’re skidding on an icy road, you (quickly) assess what direction you are skidding and steer that way, not against it, to regain control of your car. In both examples you have accepted what’s so, assessed information about it, and worked with it. In life, you accept the situation as it is, learn about it, and work with that, not with your fantasy or preference or demand about how it should be. You gain control of yourself before you act.

Just to be clear, acceptance doesn’t mean approving of it, liking it, wanting it. Rather, just like the kayaker or the skidder, it means finding a way to acknowledge that what is, is…like it or not. Often, that requires opening up to information and points of view that demonstrate that what is so - like it or not - is so. For many years, most of our country (in fact much of the world), has been in denial about the extent of racism and how it plays out in policing, in courts, in jobs, in housing, in banking, and in fact in almost every area of life. Over the last few years, awareness was slowly growing about the racial bias, abuse and brutality that policing sometimes brings. Yet even with scattered protests and the birth of the Black Lives Matter slogan, that denial still had gone largely unchallenged, and nothing much had changed. Now, however, we’ve had our collective face rubbed in it. For a growing portion of our populace, a growing degree of awareness has become almost unavoidable. We are becoming aware and saying “yes, that is indeed what’s going on.” We are beginning to accept that what is … is, whether we like it or not. For many people, watching the video of George Floyd’s death opened their eyes to the existence of racist brutality within police forces, but no more. For others, however, that opening led them to open up to even more awareness of the extent and effect of racism throughout our society structures, industries, communities, within our families, and yes - within ourselves. It’s what’s so, and it’s been so for a very, very long time. Now that we are finally learning to accept that - like it or not, we can finally do something about it. We can work with it.

What does it mean to work WITH it? Let’s consider the movement with the controversial title “defunding the police” - a process toward improving policing, lessening its bias and brutality. Although the title itself suggests againstness, most proponents say otherwise. They say what is widely intended, and what’s actually happening in some communities right now, is to consider the whole of policing in light of the entire range of what is needed in the community, then look at what and who can best fulfill each of those needs, and then adjust the distribution of funding to make that manifest. That, to me, is an example of “working with it.” And it obviously could not happen without first accepting what’s so. When we are willing to accept “whatever the present moment contains” as if we had chosen it, we become open to understand more, to see and seize the opportunities that are made available through that willingness, and to act with greater intelligence and creativity. Then, and only then, are we in the place where we can work with it, to improve all aspects of policing, its role, and its effect on the community.

Here’s a more personal example. Let’s say someone is making remarks in my presence that I consider racist, antisemitic, mysogynistic, unfair, stupid, etc. (pick your favorite trigger). “Accepting what this present moment contains as if I had chosen it” means I start inside myself with the knowing that that person is, like me, a beloved child of God (in whatever terms you use for that); and in the compassionate recognition that they must be carrying tremendous hurt and grief in order to lash out with such nonloving. The last thing their threatened heart needs is for me to lash out at them with my own judgments and anger. So INSIDE MYSELF, I acknowledge them where they are. I acknowledge that, for them, whatever beliefs they hold are important and true. I acknowledge that those beliefs serve some perceptual function such as self-preservation inside that person’s mind and emotions, based on their life experiences. I extend my loving to them, knowing that making them feel wrong, misunderstood, and judged will simply reinforce those life experiences that have brought them to this point. I reach to their heart with my heart, bypassing both of our egos, both of our fears, both of our self-righteousness. I connect with the divine and human heart in both of us. And then I speak.

There’s nothing easy about any of this. We are wired for hair-trigger reactions to that which we don’t like, that which we feel threatens us in any way. And certainly we are wired to defend being right. Whether it’s ice or whitewater or racism or personal attacks, we are wired to defend, to make wrong, to fight back. Sometimes that succeeds; but more often, I think, it adds to the growing feeling that the world is at best, not fair; and at worst, out to get us. It’s hard to make positive change from there. When we move into acceptance of what is, when we accept the role of friend and ally to what this present moment contains, it’s very possible that we not only transform ourselves, as Tolle says, but perhaps we transform the world.