Oh, the Drama!
I found found myself getting really reactive toward someone who was doing a lot of complaining. Complaining, bitching, moaning, whining. Good grief, that’s their reaction to everything: bitch & whine, complain & moan…What a melodramadian! [That's my made-up gender-neutral term for a drama queen.] And then I caught myself - I was complaining about their complaining. And doing it with such drama of my own!
Complaining is one of the most common displays of drama there is. It’s so easy to do, and so easy to get carried away with. It’s easy to generalize and exaggerate, and to create a cycle of more and more to complain about, somehow in the insane notion that we’ll feel better for the complaining. But alas, it doesn’t solve anything, and totally misses the boat on making us happy, no matter how award-winning our hissy fits are. In fact, it seems to do the opposite. Consider this:
If you want to be happy, you have to let go of the part of you that wants to create melodrama. ~ Michael Singer
Well, that obviously that begs the question “What part of me is that?” - and the obvious answer has to be “my ego.” I answer that because when I’m in my heart, there is NO drama - just the peaceful, loving is-ness of being, no matter what is going on. That answer begs yet another question: what is it about ego that wants to create drama? I decided I’d do a little research with the venerable Dr. Google to see what others have to say about it.
Alas, almost everything I found about “creating drama” or “feeding on drama” was about other people’s drama - how to not get caught up in or be manipulated by their drama. Yes, there’s a healthy response to other melodramadians that says Don’t Get Into That. But clearly not all drama is THEIR drama. Reading article after article, it was clear that most of these writers were all about being a victim of others' drama without addressing the question of one's own drama. They neither acknowledge nor answer the question of why my ego and your ego - we who prefer not to think of ourselves as melodramadians - do drama.
So I asked myself: What if I too am a melodramadian? Why would I create (promote/allow) drama?” [By the way, that’s one of my best techniques for tricking my ego out of resisting and into cooperating - I get it to play what-if so it doesn’t have to confess until all the evidence is in!] What would be the payoffs for my complaints and fits and exaggerations? Well, honestly, it fleetingly feels sorta good, y’know, even if I’m the only one witnessing my performance. There’s almost a sense of control in a situation where I seem to have none. And it’s a way I get to play out my ego’s favored and addictive roles: I’m right/the other is wrong, I’m so much better/smarter/wiser/more evolved/etc. than the other. Or poor me, I'm so misunderstood! Poor me, I suffer so much more than anyone else! And if I get attention, sympathy, approval, or even just the camaraderie of co-miserating … well that’s just icing on the cake!
Then I asked myself, what are the triggers? What prompts me to kick my complaining drama into gear? Here’s what I came up with (your results may vary):
When I don’t like something
When I feel unheard
When something feels unfair (right/wrong)
When I feel frustrated or helpless
When I want attention I’m not getting
When I want to justify my negativity
When I feel blocked
Did you notice there’s a common thread in that list? “It/you/they/I shouldn’t be that way.” In short:
To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. ~Eckhart Tolle
And, as Tolle says, that leads to drama:
When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama.
It fits, doesn’t it? It’s really just that simple: I complain and go into drama when I’m not accepting something the way it is. Accepting it doesn’t mean apathy, inaction, avoidance, nor any kind of negativity. It just means I acknowledge that what is, is. I don't pretend or demand or bemoan that it should be any different, even though I may well take appropriate action to change what is, or get out of it, or adapt to it.
Complaining contains an unfounded hope -or demand- that we don’t really have to deal with something we don’t like. Complaining gives us an excuse for not taking action, not taking a risk, not letting go of something familiar.
Complaining seems easier than accepting what is. Adding on drama makes us feel more powerful in a way, maybe gives us a sense of control when we either can’t or are unwilling to change something. It reinforces those ego roles I mentioned, about being especially right - or especially wrong. It doesn't feel genuinely good, and it doesn't make us happy; but it gives our egos just enough of a boost that we'll complain even more, and even more dramatically.
Complaining is one of the ego's favorite strategies for strengthening itself. ~Tolle
So what is there to do about “that part of you that wants to create melodrama”? Well, if you want a little less ego and a little more happiness in your life, you might try this: Just for the next day or week or so, pay attention to the times when you're complaining, when you're not accepting of something, when your heart rate rises, voice rises, body tenses, when you’re thinking “no no no, wrong wrong wrong," when you start generalizing and exaggerating. Before you let your ego run hog wild with it, just pause and see if you can simply acknowledge that what is, is - without commentary or judgment. “It's raining.” See if you can be a more neutral observer of it even for just a moment. Then see if there’s something you CAN do to change the situation, or leave it - but without againstness. And if there's not, see if you can just accept it fully as it is, even for a moment. Notice the “yeah but's” that arise when you do, but simply observe them as another part of what is. When you reach that moment of true and simple acceptance, be aware of the greater peace - and strength - that are present inside you, even if for just a moment. That's your heart. Move TOWARD your heart rather than away from the thing you don't like. Enjoy that moment. Repeat as needed.
When you live in complete acceptance of what is, that is the end of all drama in your life. ~Tolle