Not a New Year's Resolution
I receive a daily bit of inspiration in my inbox from the newsletter
Loving Each Day, and one I recently read knocked me breathless. It was about taking charge of my reactive patterns - a very big deal for me indeed. It's something that I want to do, an experience I want to have, moment-by-moment. If I were a fan of New Year's resolutions, this would be mine.
But I'm not a fan. I’ve watched too many people, including myself, make a list of promises to themselves and then proceed to break them. Rather than an uplifting adventure, those resolutions had become “have-to’s” and lost their ability to motivate. Think about it - it’s really quite rare to hear someone celebrating how thoroughly they’ve completed all their resolutions. Much more often, those resolutions are forgotten or resisted, telling a deflating story that carries with it a corresponding sense of let-down, an erosion of trust and confidence in oneself.
I am far more motivated by a challenge. That - to me - is something inspiring, exciting, unknown. It feels more like an invitation, perhaps even a dare, and that brings forward my excitement, my enthusiasm, my sense of adventure. It allows space for shortfalls, with encouragement for learning and going onward. It's not a promise, it's an opportunity. As a very simplified example, I've never made a resolution to always make the perfect pie crust; but each time I hunger for pie, I feel invited/challenged to make the crust better than the ones before. I imagine the British bake-off team cheering for me, or tsk-tsk’ing the soggy bottom and teaching me how to do better.
Perhaps the distinction between resolution and challenge is one of semantics. Even so, it’s surely also a matter of attitude, which means it’s a choice. So as I read the email’s quote about handling reactivity, I noticed I wanted the experience, but I absolutely did not want to take it as a “should” or a “have-to.” Instead, I chose to read it as a challenge issued - an opportunity offered, an adventure invited. Here’s the quote:
“If something you hear or see shakes you, whether it’s physical, emotional or mental, that is then your area to look at, because it is blocking you from reaching yourself. Go at it with a great devotion and fervor and, if you will, be fanatical about it.
Don’t give in until you can handle this thing in a neutral consciousness,
not in just a capable or competent one - but where you have mastered it.”
Of course, J-R’s challenge was not long in presenting itself for practice. Only a few hours later I sat with my nemesis - my online accounting program - putting together end-of-the-year matters. As I came upon one un-user-friendly obstacle after another, I found myself spiraling into the usual foul temper it ignites in me. Or, to use John-Roger’s words, it was shaking me. As soon as I recognized that, I made a choice and shifted into neutral. The effect was almost immediate, with a great sigh of relief and gratitude…and along with that came a clearer mind with which to complete the tasks.
That night, I had a dream about an old scenario in which I felt wronged and misunderstood. In the dream I reacted with resentment and snarkiness, which felt awful. It woke me enough to decide to do it differently, to drop the snark and bring instead compassion along with a steady heart and mind. When I woke fully, I found myself once again in relief and gratitude.
Later that morning, I faced some annoying errands necessitated by the mistakes of a company’s employee together with the rigidity of their policies. I noticed my tendency toward resentful judgment and blame being roused, and I simply observed it rather than giving into it. That gave me a moment to move past the temptation, which once again brought relief and gratitude - along with a very nice conversation with the person in question.
These may be small things, but crammed into 24 hours, they're a pretty significant challenge to me. I am accepting the challenge each time by choosing the adventurer's attitude of “Well, let's see what I can do this time!” This is building my confidence as I go. I am moving toward mastery, not promising to be there at all times.
I feel a bit like a kid playing in the lower branches of a tree before heading up higher. My mis-steps are to be expected, and I learn from them what to do at the next branch. It’s exciting and fun, and makes me eager to see what the challenge is going to bring forward next. That’s the nature of challenge to me - it makes hard work not so hard, and it rewards the process as well as (or even regardless of) the outcome.
If you have that kid-like streak of adventure in you too, you might want to join the challenge with me. If you do, let’s stay in touch and inspire each other!
