Walking Away, Part One
This last couple of years or so have been humdingers by anyone’s standards. We’ve all resisted and resented much of what has been required of us - especially what has been required of us to let go of. The world changed, our lives changed - and many of us went about those changes kicking and screaming. Meanwhile, some of us found the rainbows, the good in much of what was going on and adapted to it. Some of us can truthfully say we learned a lot - maybe even enough to have made it all worth it. And most of us probably experienced a combination of all of those things.
I often ask people “What’s changed for you as a result of the pandemic, the losses and the changes it brought about? What changed inside you?” From those folks willing to go beyond the superficial answers about schedules, jobs, bread-baking, Zoom, extra pounds and the like, the primary answer I hear is “I learned to let go.” Going a little bit deeper still, their answers are about recognizing what they're attached to and why, learning the what those attachments cost them, and tasting the freedom that comes with letting them go.
I think that’s a good impetus to look a little more closely at attachment, and at what it means. My take on it is generally this: attachment is the sense that my emotional well-being is tied to looking a certain way, or being treated in a certain way, or having or doing or being certain things in certain ways. It means not only that I want what I want exactly as I want it, but even that I feel I need it - possibly to the extent of feeling that I have to have it, that somehow my life won’t be okay without it.
Nonattachment, on the other hand, doesn’t necessarily mean that I can’t have or do or be those things, it simply means that I’m okay if I do and okay if I don’t. I can have strong preferences, but they don’t own me, they don’t control me, they are not in charge of my well-being.
Perhaps right now as you’re reading this, you’re thinking of something you’re hanging onto and asking yourself “Is this an attachment?” I suggest two ways to know. One is to consider that the fact that you are questioning it suggests a pretty good likelihood it’s an attachment. The second one, and this is the acid test, is to notice if there's such a strong sense of “have to have/do/be” that you don't even want to consider letting it go. If so, we could pretty safely call that an attachment.
The cost of attachment, of course, is freedom. Personal growth teacher Vernon Howard put it this way: “Freedom is measured by the number of things you can walk away from.”
I think he meant much more than literal things: can you walk away from needing approval? From the sacred cows of your childhood, your education, your religion, your beliefs? Can you walk away from the need to be right, to be admired, to belong, to be special? Can you drop the demand that your environment, your community, your family, your government, your neighbors, your teachers, your heroes, your villains be a certain way? From the need for makeup, or your beard, or your caffeine or your “personal brand”? If you can’t, you’re attached. You're not free.
The question is not about actually walking away (although you might), it is about the angst brought on by that possibility. Why the angst? Because often the attachment runs far deeper than just that “thing” you’re holding onto. Consider that those outer conditions you feel you need may be representatives or stand-in’s for something that’s much more important to you, something inside of you. Whether we’re conscious of it or not, the things of the outer world are often intended to bring about an inner state - mental/emotional/spiritual - that we long for. The money I’m attached to may be a stand-in for security, or perhaps a sense of deserving. The house I’m attached to may represent belonging, comfort, safety. The relationship I can’t seem to either fix or leave was supposed to bring me love and worthiness. Being seen as right and bright means I’m valuable and special. If I have a fit and youthful appearance, it means I’m desirable - and underneath that, lovable. If I have a tidy, orderly environment, I feel safe and in control. If I have a family, I feel a sense of belonging - and underneath that, secure and loved.
“You can never get enough of what you don’t really need.”
We attach to the outer things mightily because of the tremendous inner value we’ve attributed to them, often without any conscious awareness of doing that. But alas, you’ve probably noticed, it just doesn’t work, at least not for long. The things of this world, including the intangibles, don’t last, don’t fully satisfy, and are never enough. They can’t fill our deepest heart-felt needs, so we feel compelled to go after more and more and more. They get threatened, and we panic in our efforts to preserve them. It is the very nature of the the things of this world to crumble, dissolve, decay; and that happens to everything we’re attached to, whether it’s as tangible as a car or as intangible as approval.
So if the idea of walking away from something you're attached to makes you quiver, you might want to ask yourself: What is it I really want and need? Don't just ask your ego, ask your heart. Give yourself a moment of quieting your mind and your emotions - not by trying to force anything, but simply by observing the thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations that are present. Allow them to be, as you observe them. The YOU that can observe your body, mind and emotions without getting caught up in judging or trying to control them - that’s what I call your heart. It has immense wisdom and love, far beyond that which is conditioned by your mind/emotions/body.
Ask of this heart: What is it I really want and need? Most of the people I work with report answers such as loving, acceptance, courage, trust, worthiness, knowing. These are inner qualities of the heart, and they are accessed and experienced directly by and through the heart, not through the poor and unreliable substitutes offered by the ego - the the things, thoughts, emotions, and conditions of the world. If at first your answers are more superficial, that's OK - just keep asking your heart if there's anything deeper. Keep going until the answer that comes settles into you as knowing and peace…that's a sign of the heart.
The more you become aware of these qualities that your heart wants to bring forward, the more you'll begin to recognize that they are already inside you. You'll begin to know that you don’t need to acquire them or protect them - you simply need to acknowledge them. You already are them. And knowing that, you can more easily let go the things of the world that pull at you.
In the next installment on this topic, I will talk about the process of letting go, of walking away from attachments. That’s far easier to do when you have a clear sense of the heart that will remain when the outer attachment is released. So I hope you will take a little time, and then a little more, and then even more, to be with your heart, to ask “what do I really want?” Listen deeply to the answers. Then we can go the next step together. Freedom, here we come!
“Freedom is measured by the number of things you can walk away from.”